Friday, 23 March
It was 0845 when Ashley wearily pulled into the garage of her own apartment.
She had desperately wanted to drive home immediately after finishing her report, just after 0200, but fatigue had settled into her body like fast-drying cement. Escape had to wait till morning.
Ashley let out an exaggerated sigh of relief as she pulled her keys out of the front door and shut it behind her. With Jason at work, she planned to take advantage of the solitude. She had put herself into one hell of a predicament, and hoped by the end of the day the case would be in someone else’s hands.
She dropped her suitcases with a thud, kicked off her shoes, and joyfully reveled in the comfort of soft carpet. She had grown intolerant of her living conditions; of the ugly cement barracks walls, of its cold, ugly tiled floor, of the ugly and barren bathroom she had to share with a stranger, of the constant hallway noise.
She couldn’t wait to bask in the comfort of her upscale apartment. She lived in a small town with less than 100 German residents. The town was quiet most of the time, except for an occasional tractor chugging past the old renovated farmhouse she rented from a German dairy farmer.
Her landlord had told them when they first looked at the place that just a decade ago their section of the house was home to cows, horses, chickens, and a large family of cats.
"Now you can smell my wife’s fresh baked bread, no manure," her landlord had proudly exclaimed in broken English.
Ashley loved that smell early in the morning. She liked to imagine what life was like here, before this former animal shelter was transformed into a dwelling for American soldiers. It stuck out among the older farm houses that third and fourth generation sons refused to upgrade to the 20th century.
Now it was her safe house. She was able to be herself here. Silk pajamas and socked feet. Makeup on the clean bathroom counter. Her holstered .38 and badge on the night stand in her bedroom, right out in the open. She hid all signs of Ashley Marks in a spare bedroom closet.
“Ashley!”
Ashley stifled a scream as she practically jumped out of her skin. The voice shattered the silence. She didn’t expect him, but here he was, wearing a shit-eating grin, his arms reaching out to her.
“Jesus Christ! Don’t do that!” she snapped.
“Hi babe! Welcome home,” Jason said, ignoring her anger as he darted over and scooped her up in his arms. He leaned down and kissed her, forcing her mouth open to take in his probing tongue. The kiss would have normally led them right into bed if she had permitted it. Instead, she turned her head from him.
“God, I’m glad you’re finally home,” he beamed, stroking her hair. “I missed you.”
“It feels good to be home. I can’t wait to take a bath and sleep in my own bed,” she sighed.
“Let’s go,” he said.
She glared at him, too tired to respond.
He was still holding on, towering over her, with his chin resting on the top of her head, rocking her back and forth. She leaned her head into his broad chest.
“Wait here,” he told her as he suddenly let go.
He returned seconds later with a fist-full of roses. She reached for them, closed her eyes and took a long, deep sniff.
“Thank you. They’re beautiful, Jason.”
“I got them this morning at the market down the street. After you called last night I decided to call off work and surprise you,” he explained.
“Well, you certainly did. Hancock doesn’t know I’m home yet. I have some things to sort out before I go to the office.”
“Not today, I hope.”
"Yes, right now, unfortunately. But it shouldn't take long."
"Whatever," he snapped.
He couldn’t help the anger that suddenly welled up inside of him. He wanted to snatch the roses from her and throw them across the room, but his internal warning told him to remain calm. He knew better than to throw a temper tantrum, but he didn’t know how much more of her bullshit he could take.
Ashley took a deep breath. He doesn’t deserve this, she thought.
Seeing that his eyes were filled with confusion and sadness, she cradled the roses in her arms and tried to act happy. She had to admit the roses were a nice surprise, but her defenses were still full throttle.
A wilted petal let go of its grip on the stem and floated down on top of a suitcase. Jason reached down and picked up both suitcases, ignoring the petal as it landed on the ground. He stomped on it as he brushed past her.
“Oh, you gonna give me the silent treatment?” she yelled after him. She stayed in the hallway, still clutching the roses but now wanting to pitch them out the window. “Do you think I like this? I’m in hell.”
That last sentenced got his attention. He returned, only to pace back and forth, his arms flying around as he yelled.
“You're in hell? Why are you in hell, Ash? It’s all about choices, Ash. Do you choose your work, or do you choose me? You could have told them to find someone else for this assignment. What could they have done? Fired you? I don’t think so,” he said bitterly.
“Christ, Ash," he went on. "You only have a few weeks left. You’ve done you’re time. Didn't you say last night you were done? Didn't you?”
He grabbed the roses and briskly led her by the hand into the kitchen, steering her to a barstool at the kitchen island. Copper pots and pans hanging from the center of the ceiling rattled from a gust of cool wind that blew through the open kitchen window. She shivered from the cold draft. Jason noticed and closed the window.
“Ash, it’s not you I’m mad at. It’s that damn CID,” he assured her as he filled up a vase with water.
“Why you? That’s what I want to know. There had to have been other women agents around here. Aren’t you as pissed as I am?”
His eyes were earnest. He didn’t really expect an answer, but he gave her opportunity to give him one, though he knew she wouldn’t say a word. She never did when she was backed into a corner. It was undoubtedly the intellect in her. Think first, respond second. Rarely did she open her mouth without knowing exactly what she was going to say.
Just once he would love to see her fly off the handle, to say exactly what was on her mind, not what was appropriate and proper. To say something so absolutely stupid that she would later take it back, admit she was wrong. But he did enough of that for the both of them.
“How many times do I have to defend myself?” she said in a slow, deliberate tone. “How many times, Jason, do I have to remind you that this comes with the job? This is who I am. You knew that from the beginning. I can’t believe it hasn’t got through your thick skull yet!”
“Sure, go ahead, blame it all on me,” he sneered. He stood with his hand on the open refrigerator door, frozen in the past, feeling like a little boy quarreling with his mother.
“It's nobody's fault, Jason. It's just the way it is.” She said. “I love my job, but I also love you.”
Jason finally shut the frig door. He went to her and gave her a gentle hug. She looked up at him and smiled, but it only masked a nagging feeling that had hit her as soon as Jason had first made his presence known 30 minutes earlier. She felt like a caged animal.
The torment built up inside of her with each passing minute. She knew she should have been consumed with joy while being held in his familiar arms. It's what she'd been daydreaming about for days. But, instead, she felt trapped.
"Are we done fighting about this? I have to pee."
Ashley forced herself to give him a quick kiss on the lips, and reluctantly promised to give him her complete attention the rest of the day, after she finished her paperwork.
It was a lie, because she didn’t think she could give her complete attention to anyone right now, but it would work for the time being. It was the only thing she could say that would keep him calm down while she sat on the toilet lid and contemplated what to do next. She had to regain control of herself, or she was going to lose it.
Sleep is really what she wanted right now. She had lost so many hours of sleep over the past week she couldn't count them. But sleeping wasn’t possible with Jason here. And her mind was on overload.
She couldn’t understand why she wasn’t happy. She was home. Her spy work was done. She had the confession. It wasn’t her concern that agents would soon be surrounding Mindy, relentlessly interrogating her, making her confess to crimes of passion, forcing her into turning in all of her friends.
Ashley had heard of a few cases where gay suspects, frightened out of their wits, turned in dozens of names. Any woman they knew with really short hair. Any man who talked with a slight lisp. Anyone who refused to go out with them. Anyone they simply didn’t like. Anything for an honorable discharge, and to get CID off their backs.
Ruining Mindy’s life was bad enough, but worse was the growing desire to think of her. She…Oh God…she kissed me. And I did I let her? That kiss, though it was very brief, had scared the shit out of her. She could still vividly recall Mindy's soft lips pressed against her own.
Earlier that evening, at the dinner table, when Mindy had briefly placed her hand over Ashley’s as she told a story, well, it had sent an electric jolt racing through her. Though the hand didn’t linger long, only a second, it was long enough to make Ashley realize she was affected by it.
She desperately tried to pinpoint the actual moment things changed with Mindy. So she liked her. Big deal. She liked a few of her suspects over the years, but not once did she become consumed with them. Did it happen before or after the kiss? She was pretty sure it was before, if she was totally honest with herself. Was it before or after the subtle touch of her hand?
Then there was Jason. At first she missed him, daydreaming about making love to him in a tub of bubbles, a ritual they developed ever since her first extended mission away from the apartment. That’s what they always did the night she returned. Now, for some fucking reason, she couldn't stand his touch. She just wanted to go to bed and sleep.
At the barracks last night, after Ashley had finished her report in the middle of the night, she prayed for sleep as an escape, and when it came, she dreamed of what she couldn't imagine doing while she was awake.
She dreamt that she was snuggled with Mindy on a couch, in a cosy room that resembled a cross between the company day room and Mindy’s living room. Fluffy white clouds floated all around them and stars twinkled on the ceiling. Kim was glaring at them from a large black and white photo hung crooked on a wall, and Mindy told her to ignore her, that she was just jealous. Ashley kept staring at Mindy’s moist lips, and wanted to kiss them, but her trained military mind was ruthless in its struggle to remain on its fundamental course of heterosexuality. Jason and Hancock kept popping up in a cartoon bubble every time they were about to kiss. Jason’s deep voice begged her not to do it, but Hancock was more blunt. “What the fuck are you doing? You’re being brainwashed! You’re throwing your own career down the tubes! You're no dyke!” His message loud and clear.
It was a ridiculous nightmare.
Ashley awoke very early in the morning feeling panicked and disturbed. For a second she was confused to where she was.
Nothing she did could erase these newfound forbidden desires. Fight them as she may, they persisted. Fragments of fantasies. All night, until the sun rose, and continued as she drove back to her apartment. She had to admit it: she was consumed with thoughts of another woman. It happened so fast.
She had prayed that as soon as she saw Jason's handsome face, was held in his strong, masculine arms, that she would forget about Mindy and her perverted thoughts. But when he greeted her at the door, as he kissed her, she realized it was going to take a lot more than just his presence to make her forget what she had felt last night. A lot more soul-searching was in order, and definitely more prayer. Lots of prayer.
Ashley heard Jason moving around in the bedroom. She knew she couldn't hide from him forever. She flushed the toilet so he wouldn't get suspicious, and nearly cried when she noticed the bathtub was full of bubbles. She took a deep breath and went to the bedroom to face him.
She grew very annoyed when he began to fondle and kiss her again. The strength she used to admire in him only angered her now. Ashley wanted to break free of his grasp and flee, to get away from him, from the man she thought she loved. If only she could escape from herself.
Ashley turned her head from him and whispered in his ear that she was really cold. "Would you mind making me a cup of hot tea? I don't feel well.”
His questioning eyes were confused as he walked out of bedroom.
How dare you! he wanted to shout. Twice now, twice, she had pushed herself from him. Normally about this time, after she returned from a case, he was deep inside of her, ridding himself of built-up passion, making love to her until he couldn’t get it up anymore. Then they would sleep for hours, only to do it again.
Her eyes were fixed on the flickering fire under the teapot. He watched her every move, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. He left the kitchen and returned with one of his over-sized sweatshirts. “Put this on if you’re so cold. The water’s getting cold in the tub. Want me to warm it up again?”
That’s just like him, she thought as she put on his sweatshirt. It wasn’t in his character to turn his back on someone he loved, no matter how much he was hurting inside. She wished that was enough for her. He was her boyfriend, after all. And she was ripping his heart out.
Ashley poured herself a cup of tea and then excused herself to the bathroom again, with Jason nipping at her heels.
“What would you like for lunch, sweetheart?” he asked, trying damn hard to remain optimistic. He was leaning against the wall near the tub, his legs and arms crossed. “Steak? Chicken on the grill? Ribs? I could pull the grill out of the garage and fire it up. How’s that sound?”
Nothing is simple, she thought. Oh God, what the hell is wrong with me? I should be marrying him. He loves me, and he would be a great father.
Her full-blooded Italian grandmother once told her that motherhood was the reason women were created. Ashley was nearly 30. Her grandmother would be disappointed if she were still alive because she hadn't started a family yet. She knew Jason would be a devoted husband and father. Maybe, in time, she would be ready to fulfill her grandmother's prophecy, but not now.
“Is something wrong?” he asked as he watched her stare at the hot water pouring from the tub faucet.
“Not really. I’m just tired and my stomach is upset,” she replied. “A long soak in the tub is exactly what I need. And a long nap. Then I’ll be my old self again. I promise.”
“I don’t know why you like this job so much. You always come back exhausted. But this time, Ash, you’re acting really weird. Is there something going on? Do you need to talk about something?”
Can he tell? He can’t possibly tell. Ashley was beginning to panic. What if he knows? He would certainly hate her then. Would he be so cruel as to tell her boss, or her parents? Revenge would be easily his. With one phone call he could destroy her.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“We have been together for how long now? Don’t you get that when I come back from an undercover mission, regardless of who my suspect is, I need time to adjust. I can’t just go from covert to overt, back to reality, in a car ride home,” she said.
He hesitated, then answered her as truthfully as he could. “You're right. I'm just glad this assignment is over.”
“I've been thinking. Are you sad it’s your last case here? I think starting a new life is getting to you more than you’re willing to admit. I know you, Ash. I think inside you’re mixed up, you just don’t know how to express it.”
“Wow. I never thought of that,” she admitted. And he maybe right.
Regardless, she wanted to be alone. She expected to spend the whole day sorting out what she fucked up. Instead, she had to tend to Jason’s wounded manhood.
With him watching her every move, she tiredly pealed off her clothes and slid into the hot water. The heat spread through her body like a shot of whiskey. She moaned as the water enveloped her, helping her somewhat relax. She closed her eyes and thought about how she was going to end the case.
Knowing he was still watching her, she dropped the bomb and told him she had to go back.
He was in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt to join her in the tub. “Back where? To the office?”
“No. Back to Nuremberg.”
“What? You’re fucking kidding me, right?” he snarled, knowing damn well she wasn’t.
“Oh my God, you’re not kidding, are you? You’re fucking serious! This is ridiculous, Ash. What the hell does Hancock expect you to accomplish with those dykes? You’re PCSing in three fucking weeks!” He stared hard at her for a few seconds, then began to angrily fumble with the buttons as he fastened his shirt back up.
Ashley tried to talk to him as calmly as she could. “Listen, honey, give me a few minutes to get my thoughts together, then I’ll fill you in on everything, okay? I just have one more thing to do, then I’ll be done.”
Jason begrudgingly honored her plea for space and slammed the door behind him.
Ashley couldn’t believe she let things got so out of hand. If she knew one thing, it was that she was in a terrible mess. There was only one question she had to truthfully answer if she was to get past this. Was she attracted to Sergeant Mindy Sterling? Perhaps she had been cursed, like from a witch’s spell. As ridiculous as that sounded, she’d rather this be the explanation, and not that she fell on her own volition.
She was thankful for the peace and quiet she desperately needed. Her eyes closed, she reveled in the bubbles and heat of the steaming water. It felt good to be home again, surrounded by luxury. Of course, anything was better than the mildew-stained wall tiles, dingy shower curtain and grimy toilet in her barracks bathroom. She wore rubber thongs in the shower and made sure not to bump up against the walls.
Leaning back on a small washcloth, she kept her eyes closed and tried to accept what she had to do. Her investigation had netted several suspects. For that, she should be satisfied. But she wasn't. She hoped relief would come once the report was in Hancock's hands. Maybe Jason was right. Maybe she was all screwed up because she was soon leaving behind a good life she had worked so hard to build. That had to be it.
She was home now. Time to let the rest of the investigation become someone else’s headache. Let other agents worry about it. She didn't want to care what happened to Mindy.
The evidence was cut and dry. No doubt about it; Sergeant Mindy Sterling is a lesbian. But the field manual clearly states that behavior is the primary factor in determining guilt or innocence. What if Mindy changed her orientation? What if she intended to reform? What if she promised not to engage in homosexual activity for the remainder of her tour? Then the Army couldn’t find her guilty.
She knew that was all bullshit, that Mindy would never change. She was who she was. Going back for Mindy would be a waste of time. The file is complete. It's time to gather evidence on her friends. It's the others she had to concentrate on now.
The more she thought about it, the more she got pissed that Mindy, her lesbian suspect, had crossed the line of friendship by kissing her, and now she and her friends were going to pay. It was all her fault she was all torn up inside. By going to the bar with Mindy and her friends, she was going confirm the sexuality of them all. She was going to bring the whole bunch down.
She jumped when she felt cold hands touch her shoulder. Jason then slowly submerged himself in the water. He began to rub down her long legs, and gradually worked his way up to her thighs. At first she was irritated at his invasion of her privacy. But a muffled moan surprisingly escaped from her throat as he began to message her breasts.
Ashley became overwhelmed with relief; relief that she suddenly and wantonly craved Jason inside of her. Maybe what she needed all along was a good hard, stiff cock. She opened her legs and let him enter.
She succumbed to a rush of desire, now focusing her energies on getting an orgasm. He continued to pull and pinch at her breasts while she bucked against him faster and faster, forcing water from the tub, soaking the carpet. They both came with a series of deep grunts and groans, then she collapsed on him, lifeless and spent, and emotionally numb.
Jason then did what he thought Ashley would want. He cupped her face, pulling her lips closer to his lips. Though they made love, it hadn’t included kissing. She felt the scratchy stubble of his chin as his tongue entered her mouth. He began to kiss her passionately, his tongue roaming in her mouth, and lapping at her throat and ear lobe, which usually sent shivers throughout her body. But rather than kiss him back, she turned her face, wanting nothing more from him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I suddenly don’t feel well.”
She rolled off of him and scooted to the other side of the tub.
“You do look a little white,” he said with concern. “Maybe you're coming down with something. Why don’t you take a nap while I make lunch? You’ve got to be starving. I know I am.”
“Sure, honey,” she sighed. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. You were great, you know.”
“Thanks,” he said through a forced smile. Jason calmly stepped out of the tub, wrapped a towel around his waist, and closed the door gently this time.
Ashley cradled her head in her hands, overcome with dismay and shame. She wanted to die. How dare Mindy invade her thoughts when she least expected it, when she least welcomed it. What would Jason think if he knew it was actually Mindy she envisioned when he began to kiss her? For a few seconds Jason had faded into oblivion, no longer existing, replaced by someone else's tongue.
She listened to Jason rummaging through the bedroom. Then she heard the front door shut. She heard his keys jingle as he locked the door behind him. She didn't care where he went. She was finally left alone.
Wrapped in a thick forest green robe Jason had given her for Christmas last year, Ashley slumped in a chair at the kitchen table, wondering why Mindy had gotten under her skin.
Now she had Jason to worry about, too. She couldn’t stand hurting him. After all, they had a history together. He was her first and only love. Jason was one of the kindest and most considerate man she had ever known. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. She hated herself for letting it end like this.
Ashley was painfully aware that only bad things would happen if she let Mindy go. She could end up in prison for such crimes as derelict of duty, interfering with an investigation and falsifying a report. But she wasn't going to let her go, she told herself. I’m going back for the others.
As she sipped hot tea, she contemplated turning her report in today, rather than wait until Monday. Why delay the inevitable? Why prolong her dilemma? She was there for one suspect. Why should she go back? Turning in Mindy now is the right thing to do. It was her only duty. And it would end this terrible fiasco.
She tried to feel excitement as she imagined a weekend free of obligations. If she turned her report in today, they could visit the Heidelberg Zoo, or go skiing in Munich.
Turn her in now or later. Just Mindy or add the others. Teeter totter. These were her choices. She kept going back and forth, and it was driving her nuts.
She set her cup down and stared at the phone. All she had to do was call Hancock to tell him she was coming in to wrap it up. She figured a few hours of paperwork, and mission complete. Hancock would be proud of her. Jason would be ecstatic. She would never have to think about this case again.
But the excitement was fleeting. She began to shiver as she reached for the phone. She had a bad feeling that if she picked it up, putting an end to Mindy's military career, she would regret it. Mindy, along with the other men and women the agents would ruthlessly round up in this witch hunt, would be kicked out promptly and lose everything they had worked for all these years, just like all her other suspects. The thing is, she wasn't even sure Mindy and her friends deserved it. That was the part that confused her. She wasn't sure these women deserved it.
The sentence would be severe. Mindy’s college loan repayment plan would be revoked. She’d have no choice but to crawl back to her smug parents in Arizona, who would tell her they told her so. She would work low-wage jobs. No reputable company would hire a college drop-out with a homosexual discharge on her DD-214 discharge papers.
She dialed.
“First AD Public Affairs. Sergeant Sterling speaking. This line is unsecured. How may I help you?”
“Hey, how are ya? It’s me, Ashley. I was just thinking, or wondering, how you were doing today, after last night, I mean. Get any sleep?" Ashley asked.
“Not really. How about you?”
“A little,” she lied.
“Mmm. I'm glad you called. Are you still up to going out with us tomorrow night? I’ll protect you from the sharks.”
Ashley, toying with the phone cord, knew she had made her decision. How could she not go back? She could actually place them in a gay establishment. Yes, she had to go back, for the sake of investigation, she told herself.
“Sure, I’ll go,” she finally said.
“Outstanding!” Mindy exclaimed.
“We’ll have so much fun. Listen, Ashley, I have to go. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow night, around 7. We’ll leave from here. Um, are you going to tell Justine that you're going to a, uh, a family bar?”
“Sure," Ashley said, actually understanding what she meant by a family bar.
"It’ll be okay. So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. Have a nice day, Mindy.”
Sweat now dampened her forehead, and her heart quickened its fast pace. In one bold move, she had either just strengthened her investigation, or set herself up for her own ruin. She had one more phone call to make. She dialed the office.
“Hey Mike. Is Hancock there?”
“Nope. He’s out on an errand. You coming in soon?”
“Probably Monday. Hey, tell Hancock that tomorrow night I plan to clean house once and for all. I’ll be in then with the goods.”
“Sure thing, Ash. Going good then?”
"Right on track. Mike, could you do me a favor and call Jason later? He might need to go out for a beer or something. Keep him company, okay? He could probably use a friend. You know how it is."
"Sure thing. I'll drag his ass out. I had a drink with him the other night. It's gonna be hard on all of us when you leave. Any chance at all for you guys hooking up and doing the M word?” he asked.
Of all the agents there, she liked him the most. Mike and his wife, Jessica, often double dated with them. They took a vacation together at least once a year, and occasionally went on day trips when Ashley and Mike were both in town. But as much as she trusted him, she didn’t dare tell him about this. He would be ethically obligated to tell Hancock. And he’d probably tell Jason, too, because guys stick together.
“I think you know the answer to that, so don't bring it up to him,” she said. “Just give Hancock the message, okay?” she asked.
"Sure. See ya, Ash."
Ashley hung up the phone without saying goodbye. Marriage plans? He knew there were never any marriage plans. She felt like everybody was ganging up on her. She didn't think she could last until Monday.
Jason returned with a bag of groceries. He pretended nothing was wrong as he made monstrous burger patties and grilled them in the driveway. He had commented earlier on her weight loss, and encouraged her to eat a hearty meal for once.
When lunch was ready, he placed a plate of french fries and a burger in front of her, threatening to force it down her throat if she didn’t eat at least half of it. She didn’t want to admit to him that her appetite was non-existent these days, so she picked at the burger, and ate a few fries.
“Aren’t you hungry? You haven’t eaten a thing all day, sweetheart.”
“I'm sorry, honey. I’m sure it’s great stuff,” she said as she reached over and lightly rubbed his cheek. “I'm still not feeling 100 percent. Could be the flu, like you said. Probably from the change in weather.”
Jason didn’t want to push her. Exhaustion was written all over her pale face. He felt like calling her office and telling Hancock where to go. He squirmed in the dining room chair, feeling guilty for cleaning his plate.
“I'm going to make beef stroganoff tomorrow night, honey. It's my grandma’s recipe, handed down to my mom,” he said.
“I used to help her cook during our Sunday family gatherings at my grandparent’s house. Imagine making dinner for a dozen people every Sunday for 15 years. When my grandfather died she stopped inviting us over on Sundays. It’s like she lost her spirit to live after he died. She died a few years later.”
“God, that’s a sad story, Jason. Are you trying to depress me even more?”
Jason shook his head. “Not at all. I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that when I have kids, I’ll have these Sunday dinners for my grandchildren. I should have been a cook.”
“That’s news to me,” Ashley smiled.
Jason cleared his throat. “I know this is probably a bad time, but I’ve got to ask. Are you sure you don’t want to get married?” he asked as he reached across the table and held her right hand in both of his.
“We only have so much time left before you go. We could get married at the base chapel next weekend.”
Ashley looked into his hopeful eyes. She couldn't believe he was asking her that now.
“I promised you I’d think about it. And I really have. But there’s too much going on right now. We'll be together all next week. Then we’ll talk about it, okay?”
“I guess that’s all I can ask for,” he pouted.
They both sat at the table for a long time in silence. Jason, getting irritated again, took their plates to the sink. He reached into the frig and pulled out a beer. He took a couple big swigs, then glared at her.
“Ashley, I want some fucking answers. I think I’ve been patient long enough. No other man would be this patient. What the hell's going on? You’re acting really weird, and I don’t like it.”
Jason guzzled the rest of the beer, threw the bottle in the trash, and stood before her. He leaned forward, with both his arms around her, trapping her in her chair.
“Why are you being so secretive all of a sudden? That’s what I want to know. Usually you tell me every detail. Look at you! Something’s going on and I demand to know what it is! And don’t give me this I need more time bullshit.”
Ashley pushed his arms away and stood up. She had never seen him so angry. His eyes were wild and the muscles on his neck bulged. Though she wasn’t afraid of him, she didn’t want to push it.
“Nothing's going on, Jason,” she said, her voice quivering. “How can I tell you everything when I don’t know everything yet? I can tell you this, though; I’ve been invited out with them tomorrow night, and I’m going. I know you don’t understand, but I have to go. All of Mindy’s friends will be there. It’s the big break I need.
“At this point,” she continued, “I can only guess who is and who isn’t. It’s not as simple as finding drugs in someone’s locker. I can’t hide in their bedrooms, you know. It’s like this big secret cult. They don’t trust anyone, but I’m so close, Jason. I can feel it.”
“Go on,” he said.
“I think I know what I'm looking for now. And there's going to be alcohol at this place. They'll be off guard. I think my suspect trusts me now.”
“What place? Is it at someone's house? What do you expect to see? Christ, no wonder you've lost your appetite. I’d lose mine, too, if I had to be around those people. It's sick.”
Ashley was surprised at the venom of Jason’s words.
“As sick as it is, it’s my job to be around those people,” she mimicked. “And it doesn’t help that my last days with you are limited because of them. I’m really torn between doing my job right, and spending time with you. It hasn’t been easy, you know.”
“Of course not baby,” he said, satisfied with her answer. He moved behind her and rocked with her, trying to calm them both down.
“You know that as much as I want you here, with me, I suppose you have to wrap this thing up the way you think you should. That’s what I love about you.”
“I love you,” she said. She stood up and gently kissed him on the cheek.
“After Monday, I’m all yours, okay?”
He nodded his head. “After Monday, if I can last that long.”
“You’re so dramatic,” she smiled.
It was only 1730. Ashley persuaded Jason to curl up with her in front of the television and watch a few of the classic movies her mother occasionally sent her in goodie boxes. They sprawled out on the floor on two combined sleeping bags. Ashley rested her head on his stomach as they once again watched Harry and Sally, Ashley’s favorite movie.
About half-way through the movie he dared to sneak his hand under her shirt, hoping to put her in the mood, but she promptly pulled it out. Clearly disappointed, he removed her head from his stomach, sending a message that he was feeling rejected again. They didn't touch for the rest of the movie.
When it was over she stood up and stared out the window. The sun was behind the old barn now. Darkness enveloped the room, she closed the blinds to the rest of the world. Jason turned off the VCR and television.
“No more damn movies,” he sneered. “I’m hitting the sack. You can join me if you'd like.”
Ashley knew she couldn’t prolong going to bed any longer. Fearful of her dreams, she wanted to stay awake as long as possible. But if she didn’t go with Jason, she would pay for it in the morning. She followed him into the bedroom.
He purposely stayed far to the left of the bed, his side of the bed, in a rebellious act against her. She guiltily moved closer to him.
“Good night, honey,” she whispered in his ear. But he ignored her. So she moved back to her side, closed her eyes, and wondered what a gay bar was like.
Saturday, 24 March
It was 1535 hours when Ashley pulled away from her apartment, leaving Jason standing on the front porch, half-heartedly waving goodbye. He had hardly said a word to her all morning; brooding over his eggs and bacon she made for him. She knew he was punishing her for deserting him once again.
She took her time getting back to the barracks, using the drive to get her thoughts together. She had plan. She will collect names of everyone she recognized at the bar, then promptly disappear. Turning them in was the right thing to do. She was focused. Case closed.
Despite everything, she was in a decent mood as she pulled into the barracks parking lot. She was glad she didn't turn in her key and bedding when she left. Even though she hated the place, it was nice having a place to get ready for her final task.
After taking one last shower in the pit, which is how she referred to barracks showers, Ashley scanned over the files a final time before it was time to go. She then walked out of the barracks, pausing at the top of the stone steps. She smiled when she looked up to admire the millions of stars which dotted the night sky. She slowly inhaled, filling her lungs with crisp, cool air.
Josh approached her from the sidewalk and whistled in admiration when he saw her.
“Wow! You look great,” he said, his eyes glued to her exposed legs. Ashley had chosen a short skirt, and was appreciative of Josh's approval. “May I escort you to where you’re going, Miss Thing?”
Ashley laughed and playfully patted him on the head like a little boy as she passed by him.
“Sorry, big boy, but I already have an escort.”
“My life story,” he frowned.
“Hey, heard you and Hathaway got into it the other day,” he blurted out.
“You have guts, that’s all I gotta say,” he added, confident this bit of gossip would stall her for at least another few moments.
Ashley stopped in her tracks. “Where did you hear that?”
“Oh, it’s the talk of the barracks. She was bitching that you got out of the GI party the other night. I guess all the girls are a little ticked at you. She thinks you’re getting special treatment, if you know what I mean,” he said.
“Oh, please,” she snapped. “Not that it matters anyway, because I couldn’t care less what they think.”
“She's a bitch, anyway. She’s a little funny, you know,” he added, flicking his wrist for a clear explanation of what he meant.
“You’re kidding? I would have never guessed,” she sarcastically remarked .
But, of course, that thought had occurred to her. But she already had too much on her plate to give this cocky barracks sergeant a second thought. She initially had no intention to step on the toes of anyone in her host barracks, but Hathaway asked for it.
Ashley made a mental note to add her to the list. She threw Josh an appreciative smile and waved goodbye.
As he watched her figure disappear around the corner, a thought occurred to him. He would send her flowers soon, despite the rumors that were flying around the company that she was having an affair with the commander, or someone high up in the ranks.
He thought the rumors were absolutely ridiculous, even though he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what she was doing here. She said she was a transit, but even transits either work in the orderly room or do menial chores before they are permanently placed in another company. Transits also attend formations, GI parties and mandatory training sessions. But Ashley was never involved in anything.
An NCO had leaked that the commander admitted she was here on special assignment. Now that was something he could believe. After all, he found her to be as evasive and mysterious as the FBI. He thought she was cool, but he knew he was the only one who thought so.
The rumor mill in the barracks seemed to focus on Spec. Ashley Marks these past few days. He wasn't the only one who wondered just what in the world this lower-enlisted female was up to. Fear and suspicion was spreading throughout the company rather rapidly. Could she be investigating missing helicopter parts? Fraternization? Homosexuals? There were plenty of worried people who actually hoped and prayed she was having an affair.
Ashley parked behind a new black Porsche, one of five cars that lined the street in front of Mindy’s apartment. She could see a kitchen full of silhouetted figures through white curtains. She turned on her inside car light and applied a fresh coat of scar makeup.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to prepare herself to face a whole house full of lesbians. She recognized two cars from the softball team. She pulled out her notebook and jotted down the USA license plates of all five cars.
Cynthia poked her head out from the front door and signaled her to come in. Ashley double checked that her glove compartment, which contained her real identity, was locked before she climbed out of the car.
“I didn’t know you were coming tonight. Why were sitting out there forever in the dark?” Cynthia asked.
“Mindy invited me, and I was putting on my lip stick.”
“I see. Well, Mindy’s in the living room. She’s undoubtedly waiting for you.”
“Thanks,” Ashley said with a forced smile as she brushed past her.
Mindy was sitting on the couch, a beer in hand, leaning against a man. He was laughing at something she had said. Deep laugh lines formed around his eyes, which enhanced his rugged good looks. He wore a standard military hair cut, and his suit was tailored to his tall, lanky figure.
Ashley tried to remember if Mindy had ever mentioned a male friend before. Only her editor, and he didn’t seem to fit the description. She fought the sudden urge to turn around and walk out, so as not to disturb them, to leave them alone together. It struck her that perhaps Mindy was bisexual.
Mindy finally looked up and saw her standing in the room. “Hi, Ashley! I’m glad you made it. I want to introduce you to my good friend here.”
Ashley tentatively approached the couple. The man extended his hand out to her. “Nice to finally meet you. I’m Bryan.”
“Bryan’s a pilot in Alpha Company. We’ve been friends, like, forever,” she explained. “He’s one of my best friends.”
“That’s right. Truth is, I’m in love with her and am considering going straight,” he joked.
“I think one woman is enough for you,” Mindy quipped.
“Oh, yeah. But my wife don't count,” he added.
Ashley was speechless. They were confusing the shit out of her and she didn’t like it. She should have known that no book in the world could have possibly prepared her for such a lifestyle. She didn’t want to believe that all homosexuals were void of moral values. She knew lesbians were promiscuous, but to involve married couples? It was too much. This cult was more complex than she first imagined, and she was pissed that she didn’t have the knowledge or the time to figure it all out.
She stood in front of them, feeling like a complete idiot, but she held her fake smile and acted like she understood.
“Well, I’d better see what my wife’s up to,” Bryan announced as he rose from the couch and excused himself.
“What was that all about?” whispered Ashley after taking Bryan’s vacated place on the couch.
Ashley leaned close. “Am I missing something here? I thought we were going to a, uh, a gay bar. You mentioned we were going to a family bar on the phone, and I assumed that's what you meant. Are we actually going to a straight bar?”
“No, we're going to a gay bar. Your assumption is correct. We'll be ready to leave in just a few minutes.”
Mindy’s smile faded as she looked into Ashley’s concerned eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked. Mindy gently placed her hand on Ashley's leg, but removed it when Ashley moved her leg away.
“Well, he’s married, isn’t he?” Ashley asked, trying to mask her distaste for the whole matter.
“Yes, he is, but it’s just for cover,” Mindy nonchalantly explained. But Ashley remained confused.
“You’re actually clueless, aren’t you?” Mindy laughed. “You and Justine really have been isolated.”
“You can say that.”
“Wow. Does she know you’re going out with us tonight?” Mindy asked.
“Yes, and she’s not very happy about it. But it’s something I have to do, for myself,” Ashley said.
“Good for you,” Mindy smiled.
“Ashley, let me explain a few things to you, like everything you need to know in a nut shell. Please stop me if I’m insulting your intelligence, okay?”
Ashley shook her head, waiting for a good explanation.
“Well, I’m sure you’re aware that it’s illegal to be gay in the military. We could be kicked out. That’s no secret. So, to protect ourselves, we sort of camouflage our relationships by making it appear we aren’t who we really are.” She paused, waiting for her words to sink in.
“Anyway, Bryan is gay. But, since he’s an officer he’s got a lot on the line, so he married Rose, who’s a lesbian. They live together, but have separate bedrooms, and separate lives, basically. Everyone in his company thinks they’re the perfect couple. It's a convenience marriage. The jokes on them!” Mindy proclaimed.
"Wow,” was all Ashley could say as she took this new piece of information all in.
“What does his wife do?"
“What does his wife do?"
“Rose is a civilian, so she gets all the benefits of a military wife. Insurance, PX privileges, medical coverage, stuff like that. She works at the post bank. It’s a perfect setup. It keeps the witch hunters out of our business.”
This information was a whole new can of worms. Ashley could bring a hell of a lot more people down with this scam. She wondered if CID had a clue about the marriage cover.
“That’s brilliant!” she admitted.
Mindy was relieved to see Ashley’s face go from panic to fascinated, because for a while there, as she watched Ashley’s skeptical expressions, she remembered Cynthia’s warning. She hoped she didn’t go too far by inviting her here. But Ashley’s questions sounded genuine and terribly naive. She didn’t know if she was more attracted to her beauty, or her innocence.
“I’ve heard about these convenience marriages before," she lied, "but I’ve never seen them in action. Does Rose actually travel with him during his PCS moves?”
Mindy paused, not knowing if she was willing to answer any more of Bryan’s personal questions for him. His arrangement with Rose was common knowledge amongst their small group of friends, but it was also known that Bryan only told who he wanted to know. Outing each other was generally taboo. No one trusted anyone, and no one knew Ashley Marks. But Mindy trusted her, and that was hopefully enough.
“Of course,” Mindy said, hoping to end what she had foolishly began.
“Why didn’t you ever get married?”
“I almost did. His name was Ken, but he came down on orders for the States, and I wasn’t willing to leave Kim.”
“Did they sign a nuptial agreement, to protect themselves?” Ashley asked.
“Rose and Bryan didn’t, though some people think they should have. But it’s their business, and they’ve been happy for more than five years. It seems to work for them,” Mindy said, shrugging her shoulders.
“If I need a man to accompany me to a formal military function, I always call Bryan’s boyfriend, Chuck. He’s meeting us at the bar later.”
Mindy heard her name called from the kitchen. She tried to ignore it, but the voice was loud and obnoxious.
“Excuse me, Ashley. Save my seat?”
What the hell is wrong with me? Ashley thought as she sat huddled in the corner of the couch, trying not to notice two women occupying a single chair across from her. One was perched on the other’s lap, and they were talking quietly amongst themselves. Occasionally they looked over and smiled at her. Ashley smiled back, trying to remain calm, as if everything was cool.
“I can't believe you invited her here. She’s not actually going with us, is she?” Cynthia demanded to know.
She had Mindy backed in a corner of the kitchen. “You know how I feel about her. It’s too soon, Mindy. We know nothing about her yet. It’s just too soon,” she hissed.
“I know enough. I told you last night she had a girlfriend. What the hell else do you need? A certificate of authenticity?” Mindy snapped. “She’s going, and that’s that.”
“Hey, it's cool,” said Mary. Mary went behind Mindy and began to message her shoulders. “Relax girl. I’m sure she’s ready for the taking.”
Mindy brushed her off. “Why do you have to be so crude all the time, Mary?” she snapped.
Mary shot Jessica and Tammy a surprised look. “I think I’ll shut my mouth now,” she said.
“Good idea,” Mindy told her. “I’m going back to my guest, if you jerks don’t mind.”
“I'm ready to go, Min. The sooner the better,” Cynthia said. “I’m assuming you two are driving up together. I can fit about five in my car. Bryan and Rose are going together.”
“Let’s go then, and lay off her, Cynthia,” Mindy warned.
When Mindy was out of hearing range, Cynthia complained to the others. “See what I mean? She’s totally nuts over this fluff. When I told her I didn’t trust her, she got really pissed at me. She just won’t listen.”
“Well, the girl is a looker,” Mary commented. “Must be nice. No one like that would give me two shakes. God, I hate being old.”
“You’re not old,” Cynthia sneered. “I wish you’d stop saying that, since I'm older than you. Look at me. I'm older and fatter, but, hey, not all of us can be size eight. That’s just a fact of life. And not everyone likes that anyway. I like my women to be able to take care of themselves.”
“Got that right,” Mary laughed.
Rose came from behind Cynthia and gave her an affectionate hug. “What are you guys laughing about?”
“That Mindy steals all the pretty girls,” Mary informed her. “This old girl has had plenty of babes over the years, though. Ah, the glory days.”
The women held up their beers. “To the glory days,” they toasted in unison, loud enough for everyone in the living room to hear.
Their toast to the glory days made Ashley wonder if she would ever experience her own glory days, if there were such days. And would she know her own glory days if she was smack in the middle of them? She knew one thing; these days weren’t it.
She couldn’t imagine anything being more screwed up than this. She knew that letting herself be overcome with a growing attraction to her female suspect was definitely the stupidest thing she had ever done.
Ashley forced herself to remember who she actually was. Ashley DeMarco. Not Ashley Marks. But that fact had a sad truth to it; she was actually nothing but a paid snitch. The word snitch leaped into her mind like an unwelcome prowler.
She was a devil in disguise, sitting on Mindy’s couch, wearing a polite smile as she accepted the kindness of her lesbian hostess. A paid snitch. Yes, she was here for one purpose, and that purpose was to destroy everyone in this house, and the fools didn’t even know her real name.
She had gained Mindy's trust. But that was nothing new. She had a gift for earning the trust of any company she kept. She was a chameleon. It’s what made her a good undercover agent. Many of her suspects were willing to share their lives with her after just a few hours. After a day they offered their stash. She wasn't proud of the fact that her job was to abuse their trust.
So, here she was. She could easily add a dozen names to her list now. It was an agent’s dream-come true. She successfully, and rather quickly, infiltrated a secret tribe. Her big payload, the mother of all loads, was right here, in this house.
“Penny for your thoughts,” said Mindy.
“Your roommate doesn't like me.” It was a statement of fact more than a question.
“I already told you she doesn't trust anyone. You have to know how we feel, Ashley, considering how paranoid you are yourself. Anyway, it's crazy to think the CID would actually go this far. We all do our jobs, pay our taxes, and work like hell to stay out of their radar,” Mindy told her.
“Are you saying she thinks I’m CID?” Ashley asked, sounding genuinely shocked.
“Of course not, or I wouldn't have invited you here tonight,” Mindy said.
“Anyway, forget her. We're gonna have a great time tonight. We'll go in my car, if that’s all right with you,” Mindy said.
“Actually, I’d prefer to take my car." Ashley didn't want to be too far away from her shield and weapon.
“Okay. I get tired of driving all the time anyway.”
Ten minutes later everyone finally shuffled out the door and filed into their cars. Ashley opened the passenger door for Mindy and waved her in. She mimicked what Jason had done a thousand times.
“Your chariot awaits,” Ashley said.
She deliberately drove slow, letting Cynthia get far ahead of them. She was trying to think of something to say to break the silence they fell into. She didn’t know what to say. The convenience marriage was also on her mind.
“You seem quiet,” Mindy said. “Are you okay?”
“Sure. I’ve never been to a gay bar before,” she admitted. “Should I be prepared for anything, uh, different?”
Mindy let out a small chuckle.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of. Listen, it’s just a regular bar, like a disco, with good dance music, but for gay people. We dance and talk and drink. It’s a fun place to work off steam.”
“I'm not afraid. I just want to know what to expect, so I don't look like an obvious closet case. Know what I mean?”
“You’ll be fine,” Mindy assured her. “I think you'll like it. There’ll be a lot of people there, so you'll blend in just fine. And you’ll be with me.”
Mindy desperately wanted to reach over and take Ashley’s hand. It seemed like ages ago since she felt her heart flutter like this. Kim’s dwindling calls and letters didn’t matter anymore. It was now Ashley’s hand she wanted to hold. But she didn't reach for it because Ashley had a girlfriend.
Ashley, on the other hand, was in a completely different mental place than Mindy. The trust issue had tied her stomach up in knots. She was beginning to believe that her suspects were not criminals.
“What’s wrong?” Mindy asked, her arm was extended to the dashboard. “You’re driving like a mad woman all of a sudden.”
“Oh, sorry. Nothing. Nothing's wrong.” Then she turned to meet Mindy’s frightened eyes. “Damn! I think I’ve lost them. I'm trying to catch up.”
“Hey, it’s okay, Ashley. I know where we’re going. They can take care of themselves,” she said.
“Great song. Mind if I turn it up?” Mindy asked as she reached for the volume knob, blaring Abba from the speakers.
"What kind of music do you like?" Mindy yelled over the music.
"Classical, mostly. But I like rock, too. I can't stand country and western, and rap."
"Me, too. Though I'm not into classical," Mindy said as she turned the music down.
"Mindy, um, I don't mean to get too personal, but I was curious about how you knew. What was your first experience like?"
Mindy leaned back and closed her eyes as she conjured up the memory.
"I was in college, mainly hanging out at this straight dive near campus. But they were cool, you know? They all had attitude, like they were the shit. Being young and impressionable, I was totally drawn to the scene.
"Anyway, there was this girl there that I liked. Her name was Jean. She had orange hair and wore a leather jacket and her navel was pierced. The first time I saw her I couldn't take my eyes off her. I don't know if it was because of what she wore or how she acted. Kind of cool and aloof, like no one in the room mattered.
“She would dance by herself on the dance floor, and I'd watch her. One night she walked past me and stared at me, and I just stared back. She went to the bar. Drank straight whiskey. She was something else.
"So she comes back with a Bud Light,” Mindy continued, “which is what I drink, and hands it to me. I was shocked. I was just a tomboy. What did she see in my, right? Then she grabs my hand and pulls me up on the dance floor. I didn't want to go cuz I never really danced before, but we ended up dancing for hours. Then we go into the restroom. And that was my first experience. The tomboy and the goth chick.
"We dated for a few weeks, but she was too out there for me. I started skipping classes and drinking in the middle of the day. She totally consumed me for a while. My friends couldn't understand what the hell was happening with me. I kinda just disappeared from their lives. Just like that. After that semester I dropped out and joined the military, to get my shit together, I guess. Now you know the rest of the story."
"Wow. That's some story," Ashley said.
"Can you believe my parents still don't know what happened? They just thought I went nuts, or was on drugs. And maybe I did go nuts for a while there. But I don't regret any of it. It was intense."
"I can see why. Do you ever hear from her?" Ashley asked.
"From the girl with the orange hair? No. I think she knew what I was going through and couldn't handle it, either. I was probably just a toy to her anyway. I was a mess."
Ashley thought about Mindy's story. She had never made out in a toilet stall before. Mindy's story was exciting. Her life was so different from her own.
"I played around a lot," Mindy went on. "It's hard to settle down in the military. Lots of girlfriends, but I couldn't tell you their names. Then I met Kim, and, of course, that ended too."
"What about you? How did you come out?" Mindy asked.
Ashley stared straight ahead as she drove. She thought of how she met Justin.
"Well, like I told you, I came out with Justine. It's kind of a funny story, really. We were both in line at the post bank, and I dropped a roll of quarters. They went everywhere. She was the only one who helped me pick them up.
"When we finally collected them all, she asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. At first I didn't know what to say. Why would a stranger just ask me out to lunch, especially after I just totally embarrassed myself? But she was real nice, so I did. Lunch turned into more lunches, and then to dinners after that. We became best friends, doing everything together.
"Then one night, after a few drinks, we were in her barracks room. It was late, like past midnight. We were sitting on her bunk. I had a headache, so she said she would message my temples. After I told her that my headache was going away, she just leaned over and kissed me.
"At first I was shocked. It was something I thought about with her, but nothing I would ever have the guts to do. But it felt so good, so I kissed her back. And then one thing led to another, and the next thing I know we’re in her bed.
“I love her, ya know? But I don't know how long can we keep this separation thing going? It's hard."
"It will always be hard,” Mindy said. “And I don't think it ever gets easier. What are you going to do now?"
Ashley looked over at Mindy and sighed. "It's pretty much over. Hey, I have to stop and get gas," she said as she turned on her signal and pulled into a gas station.
While Ashley was inside the gas station, Mindy glanced down at her glove box, and couldn't help but wonder what she would find inside of it. She slowly reached down and turned the knob, expecting the glove box to pop open. It was locked. She struggled with the knob for a few seconds before giving up. Who locked their glove boxes here, in Germany, where crime was so low that people hardly locked their car doors?
Mindy contemplated that question for a second, then tried to forgot about it when she saw her exit the store and approach the car. Mindy remained quiet the rest of the way, feeling guilty for prying.
"We're almost there," she finally said. "Turn left at the light, then right after the railroad tracks. We'll find a parking space around there."
The wind was cold and blustery, motivating them to pick up the pace as they passed the entrance to the train station and a string of sex shops. Mindy stayed close to Ashley as they wove in and out of clusters of drunken revelers. They were laughing now, apparently influenced by the jovial mood of the downtown crowd. Mindy forgot about the glove box.
Ashley knew the area well. They were only a few blocks from the Blue Moon, but she feigned ignorance, telling Mindy it was her first trip to the big city. It wasn’t too long ago when she sat in a booth at the golden arches here and drank lots of coffee as she built up the nerve to enter the lesbian bookstore.
“Shit, it’s cold,” Mindy blurted out as they darted down a narrow brick alley. She then put her arm through Ashley's, and together they walked arm in arm to the bar.
A large neon sign lit up the alley like a street lamp. Techno music escaped from inside of The Triangle Club. A small “Private Club: Members Only” sign was fastened to the black steel door to prevent the curious from entering its secret passageway.
Mindy opened the door and escorted Ashley inside. A bald, muscular tattooed man sat on a wooden stool to greet them. He opened a cash box.
“Zein Marc,” he ordered.
Mindy paid him and excitedly reached for Ashley’s sleeve. She quickly guided her through a long, dim hallway and up a flight of stairs. The music grew louder as they walked down the hall, which was lined with framed posters of beautiful nude women and men. A worn red carpet led them to a narrow entranceway.
“Wow, this place is great,” Ashley said in bewilderment.
She trailed Mindy as she studied each of the fine art paintings, all apparently crafted by the same artist. One showed two women entwined together in ballerina shoes, toes pointed, naked bodies elegantly posed. In another were a group of tanned men in nothing but construction tool belts, hanging off each other in apparent union brotherhood.
“These paintings are so interesting,” observed Ashley.
“Welcome to the hot spot of Nuremberg. By midnight this place will be packed. Are you ready for your first glimpse into lesbian night life?”
“I’m ready. Let’s go for it,” Ashley grinned.
“That’s the spirit,” Mindy exclaimed.
Mindy excitely led Ashley by the hand into the club. Once inside, they scanned the bar for Cynthia and the others.
“This place is huge, so it might take a few minutes to find them. There are three separate parts to this place. A pool room is in the back, over there, and another bar is on the other side of the pool room, which is a little quieter. As you can see, the dance floor is over there. We usually sit in that corner,” she explained, as she pointed to a couple of large, round tables furthest away from the dance floor.
The raised dance floor was practically bare. Two women were dancing to the peppy beat of a Pet Shop Boys tune. A DJ was elevated in a booth above the dance floor, spinning the music.
“There they are, heading toward our table,” pointed Mindy. They weaved through empty chairs to meet their friends.
Ashley couldn't help but feel like a new kid in school as she scanned the bar. She was amazed that it didn’t resemble anything she imagined. It wasn’t the filthy, sinister place she expected a gay bar to be. It was clean and well decorated. The women were well dressed.
It was...normal. And suddenly she felt ashamed for believing, without question, every negative thing about gay people that she had heard throughout her life.
Mindy reached for Ashley’s jacket. “Would you like me to check this for you? It’s going to get hot later.”
She shook her head no. She wanted to keep her jacket since she didn't intend to stay long. She wanted to make it easy for a fast get-a-way.
“Okay. What would you like to drink?” Mindy asked.
“I’ll have a Rum and Coke.”
“No Tequila?” Mindy teased her, remembering the shots she downed at the NCO that first night after practice.
“Oh, the memories of Tequila are too fresh,” Ashley groaned. “I can't take Tequila tonight. Something more on the light side.”
Mindy smiled and led the way to the bar, ordering a Rum and Coke for Ashley, and a beer for herself.
“For you,” Mindy said as she held up her beer in a mock toast.
Ashley smiled and held up her glass, as well. She knew the rule of not drinking on the job. She always abided by it. But tonight she needed a little extra courage to accomplish the mission. She took a sip of her drink and relished in the power of it as the alcohol entered her bloodstream.
They were quite as the leaned against the bar, their shoulders touching, both looking around as if they were interested in their surroundings.
But Ashley was lost in her own world. She still couldn’t believe she was here, with Mindy, at a gay bar. A month ago she had planned to spend her final month in Germany going on short road trips throughout European with Jason. She intended to make the separation from Jason as painless as possible by paying attention to him.
She then looked at Mindy, as if studying her would yield an answer to this question: Why didn't it feel wrong?
“What?” Mindy asked when she noticed Ashley looking at her.
“Nothing. I'm just happy.”
“You are? Then can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What did your girlfriend really say when you told her you were coming here with us tonight?”
“Let's just say she wasn't happy. We haven’t been getting along lately. I told her I was going out with friends, and she told me I was selfish.”
Mindy hated interfering with a relationship during a vulnerable time. She felt a little guilty for bringing her here because she had definite intentions. But she believed that everything happened for a reason.
Mindy knew that all it would take to steal her heart was a slow dance.
“I'm glad you came,” Mindy told her. “But I'm sorry for what you're going through. Long distance is a bitch on couples.”
Ashley nodded, knowing that to be true.
“Would you like another?” Mindy asked.
“Not yet. I want to remember tonight.”
“Me, too,” Mindy said, downing the last of her beer.
“What do you think so far?” Mindy asked.
“It’s not what I expected at all. Hell, I don’t know what I expected. We never went to gay bars. We though it was too dangerous. We stayed to ourselves, which, I think in the end, was our undoing,” Ashley said.
“It really depends on the kind of people you let in your life. Not all gay people are bad, and not all straight people are good. But, as a whole, we are all humans, right?” Mindy asked.
“You know what I would love to do? Marry my girlfriend and have kids. That's it. That's all I want. I just want a normal, boring life where I don't have to hide and lie about who I am. I'd even go to church if I found one that accepted me,” Mindy admitted.
“Isn’t that sacrilegious? Everyone knows the Bible is against homosexuality. I assumed all gays were mostly atheist or agnostic. I mean, how can you believe in God when you’re living a sinful lifestyle?” Ashley asked. She looked earnestly at Mindy, hoping for an answer that made sense, because this was the one issue that everyone seemed to struggle with.
Mindy rolled her eyes. “Are you telling me you don't believe in God?"
"I definitely believe in God. I'm Roman Catholic."
"That explains why you're so conflicted!” Mindy exclaimed. “You believe in God, but you obviously have gay feelings. Think about it, Ashley. It's all how you interpret the Bible. Religious freaks like to twist the facts around to their liking. My God doesn't condone hate. I don't believe He would never strike us down with AIDS. God is not that cruel.”
Mindy looked at her sympathetically. “No wonder you haven’t completely embraced this part of yourself. Religion will do a number on you if you let it.”
“That's for sure,” Ashley frowned. "It's a sore subject."
“Between you and Justine?”
“Mostly. Justine was not religious,” Ashley said, which was true. Jason refused to attend the post chapel with her, so she often went by herself.
Mindy gently put her arm around her and pulled her close. “Hey, listen. I'd be happy to talk all day long about it, but I don’t think now is a good time for a major religious discussion, okay? The last thing I want is to do is bring you down when we're having so much fun.”
“Gays want to get married to each other?” Ashley blurted out.
“Well, not legally. We have civil unions, which are basically the same thing, but without state and federal benefits.”
Mindy smiled lovingly at her naïve companion. “Man, do you have a lot to learn, and I'll be happy to teach you. But first, I must order us another drink.”
“Bartender, another one,” she ordered as she waved her glass in the air. “One for me, and one for my adorable friend.”
Ashley shook her head no. “Not yet,” she said as she pushed her glass away.
This conversation about religion and marriage was having a profound effect on her. She struggled with an inner turmoil that was rapidly being exposed, and alcohol would undoubtedly make it reach the surface.
“No problem. Hey, how would you like the spoken version of the grand tour?”
They spun their stools around in unison.
“As you can see, we have our social area,” Mindy explained, waving her hand toward the tables in a Vanna White fashion.
“And then we have our featured expression platform, commonly referred to as a dance floor, where I hope we can cut a rug with you later. And through there are the bathrooms. Don’t be surprised if you see women coming out of the men’s latrine. There are more of us than them, so it only makes sense that we borrow their toilets.”
Mindy laughed at Ashley's disgusted expression.
“And last but not least, tucked way in the back, where only bold people dare to roam, is a secret place that’s considered so vile, so perverted, you have to see it to believe it. You don't want to go in there, trust me. It’s for the male patrons, and women with strong sexual libidos.”
Ashley shot her a inquisitive look. “Oh, really? Now I’m curious.”
She was definitely curious. Ashley had to admit that, thus far, nothing was as shocking or disgusting as she anticipated. She had prepared herself for the big shock factor, but the only thing that qualified thus far was a brief conversation about religion.
“It’s not a place for practicing Roman Catholics,” Mindy teased her.
“Who said I practiced?” Ashley countered.
But Mindy just shook her head and smiled. She had no intention of showing Ashley the room. She wasn't going to frighten her off with sexual videos of gay men in the act of sodomy. The video room was even too much for herself.
“We’d better get back to the table,” Mindy said.
Mindy reached for Ashley’s hand and guided her through the bar to join their friends.
“About time,” Cynthia blurted out. Her suspicious eyes made it perfectly clear she wasn’t totally accepting of this budding relationship. Mindy shot her a look of caution, then took a seat the furthest away from her.
“Don't it seem like forever since we’ve practiced?” Mary sensed the tension and worked change the subject. “The rain can stop now. I’m getting a little antsy.”
Cynthia let out a husky grunt. “Shit, girl, it’s just the beginning of the season. By July you’ll be bitching about how hot you all are. Enjoy this little reprieve while it lasts, my dear.”
Cynthia laughed and then took a big drag of her cigarette, expertly blowing little smoke rings into the air.
“When are you going to stop that nasty habit?” Jessica asked her in disgust.
“God, Jess. I’m trying to keep her in a good mood,” Mary snapped.
Jessica shrugged, mouthing “sorry.”
“So, Ashley, how do you like right field so far? You seem to be catching on, no pun intended. Seriously though, you’ll do fine. Just keep your head up,” Mary quipped, then burst into laughter at her own jokes.
“What’s up with her?” Rose asked, nudging Mindy.
“She’s just being her old, silly self,” Mindy smiled.
“Okay, okay,” Mary laughed as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry Ashley. You’ll get used to my sense of humor. I'm one big joke, aren’t I, Mindy?”
"You're a joke all right," Mindy agreed, thinking that joke wasn’t quite the word. More like mischievous, with a little crudeness thrown in. Mary was a seasoned Army nurse who helped teach her over the past year that you have to accept the bad times with grace, and celebrate the good times with beer.
If there’s one thing Mary had a knack for, it was detecting the makings of a cat fight. Her offbeat humor was like a trigger on a water gun, threatening hissing felines with cold spray if they should tangle. Her humor was often a deterrent for bickering. Everyone knew that she had suffered through domestic violence during her first marriage.
Mary hadn't said anything to anyone but Tina, but she had sensed from the first practice that her peace-keeping skills were going to be needed. She pegged the new girl for a troublemaker. She also thought that Brad should have cut her after the first practice.
Mary wasn't too surprised when she noticed Mindy take a special interest in her, but she hoped her interest was just a passing fancy. As hard as she tried to see the other side, she had to admit that Cynthia’s mistrust of her wasn’t completely off base. She didn’t trust her, either. Ashley Marks came from nowhere.
Mary planned to retire from the military in three years. But if Ashley was CID, she could kiss her military pension goodbye. The girl certainly had her ammunition now, she thought.
“Hey, don’t mind me. I’m just having fun,” Mary told Ashley.
“I'm enjoying myself,” Ashley assured her.
“Where are you from?” Rose asked.
“Ohio.”
“Oh, God. Another Buckeye,” Jessica groaned. “Seems that everyone I meet is from Ohio. They must grow lesbian crops there.”
“They must,” Cynthia agreed. Then she turned to Ashley with the full intent of challenging her claim. She figured everything that came out of a CID agent's mouth was a lie. “If you’re from Ohio, then you must play Euchre.”
“Very well,” Ashley said. "It's my favorite card game. My aunt used to throw Euchre parties."
Cynthia and Mary looked at each other.
Mindy, sensing the third degree coming on, came to Ashley’s rescue. She playfully ordered her friends to mind their own business.
“Sorry about that,” Mindy said sympathetically. “Sometimes they can be so, so incorrigible.”
“It's okay,” Ashley said. “They’re just watching out after their friend. I don’t take it personally.”
“That’s good,” she sighed. “Ready for another drink?”
“Nothing for now, thanks. I’m driving.”
“How about a coke?”
“Sure. Why not?”
After Mindy ordered a coke from their waitress, she leaned into Ashley. “Do you dance?” she asked.
“Not really. I’m more of a voyeur. Those two women are really good. I wish I could move like that.”
“They’re local Germans, and they’re here all the time. I don’t think they like Americans much.”
“Why do you say that?” Ashley asked.
“Several of my friends have tried to talk to them, but they claim they can’t speak English. It’s an easy way of ignoring us. Of course we don’t believe them. Most Germans know enough to communicate.”
“I have a friend who was walking down the street in Bonn one day last year, and this was a busy street, mind you. This punk spit on him, for no reason," Ashley recalled. "Todd was too shocked to do anything about it. And believe me, he could have kicked the punk's skinny little ass."
“Why don’t the Germans realize we’re here to protect them? It really irks me,” Mindy complained.
“Me, too. Our money pours into this country, into their restaurants and train stations and hotels, but do you think they appreciate it? We’re helping to restore their country, but they don’t want to see it that way. They still think we're invading their territory. The war is over. Hitler is dead.”
“Well, not everyone thinks that way, thank goodness,” added Mindy. "It's mostly the younger generation that has the attitude problem. They forget what Hitler did to their country's image."
"True," Ashley said.
She could feel Mindy leaning into her, their arms and legs barely touching. But she didn't move away this time. They took turns yelling over the loud music into each other’s ears. A silver disco ball spun widely over the dance floor, casting white spots everywhere.
They were the only ones at the table now. Mindy was relieved Cynthia had temporarily shelved her need to test Ashley. She knew how her friends felt, but she didn’t care. Ashley made her happy again.
Ashley also knew how they felt. Granted, Cynthia was turning into a big, fat thorn in her side.
Ashley contentedly sipped her Coke and people watched. Men dancing with men, women sitting on each other’s lap, same-sex couples kissing in secluded recesses of the bar. It was a foreign place. A different planet. She would leave soon, she told herself.
She shouldn't prolong the inevitable. Every thought of sworn allegiance to duty was pitted against her will to let these women go free. She figured Sergeant Cindi Strickland had to have been in absolute terror in order to turn in her friends, considering Mindy was just a suspect to her days ago, and now she was fighting the urge to protect her.
“You seem distracted. What’s on your mind?” Mindy slipped her arm around the back of Ashley’s chair.
“Nothing. Just watching everyone dance.”
“Do you miss your girlfriend?”
“Not really,” Ashley admitted, surprised at the truthfulness of her statement. She hadn’t thought of Jason all night.
Mindy looked concerned. “Then shall we dance?”
Ashley nervously bit her lip. She was frozen in her chair. It was a slow dance. Not in her wildest dreams had she imagined ever being in this strange situation. But now her eyes glanced at the dance floor as she watched couples sway in each other’s arms. Mindy stood up and held out her hand, her eyes pleading Ashley to take it.
"I'm sensing reluctance," she said.
"I'm not much of a dancer. Two left feet, ya know. I really don't feel comfortable."
“Please? I'll be a complete gentleman.”
Ashley wanted to, but how could she? It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. It would just add to her guilt, and go against protocol. How do two woman slow dance together? Who would lead? All these thoughts rushed through her mind as she stared at Mindy's beckoning hand.
“I don't know,” she said.
"I won't bite."
Mindy, smiling seductively, grabbed Ashley’s hand and pulled her off her feet, then prodded her along as she headed to a secluded spot on the dance floor.
Ashley felt awkward at first, not knowing where to put her hands. Jason had always held her tight around her mid-waist while she rested her head on his chest. It was easy and automatic. But Mindy was several inches shorter than Jason, and much thinner. It didn’t take very long for her to adjust. They embraced, their cheeks barely touching. Mindy felt Ashley’s body tremble, and she held her closer.
“God, you feel good,” Mindy whispered in her ear. “I think I’m in heaven.”
Ashley closed her eyes, finally letting herself get lost in the moment. What harm could a dance cause? She let Mindy hold her close. Let her hand slip inside of her jacket. Let her own escaping tears dampen Mindy’s warm neck.
“Are you okay? Are you crying?” Mindy whispered.
“I’m just, just....”
“It’s okay.” Mindy held her tighter. Both women clung to each other as they moved to the slow beat of the music.
Hancock and CID were far removed from her mind now. She was willingly crossing the line but she didn’t care anymore. She let herself get lost in this unbelievable moment.
Then she felt Mindy’s moist lips touch her neck. Her first instinct was to pull away. Yes, she should push her away. Dancing was one thing, kissing was another. But she let Mindy's kisses slowly trail from her neck, to her cheek, to her nose. Mindy then reached up to cradle Ashley's face, pulling her forward, searching Ashley's dark eyes for approval.
Mindy couldn’t hold back any longer. She tried to kiss Ashley’s lips, but Ashley slowly turned her head from her. She just couldn't go that far.
“Oh….My...God!” Rose blurted out to everyone sitting at the table. She separated each word with a dramatic pause. “Look at them! Look at Mindy and Ashley!”
Mary and Jessica’s eyes followed her pointed finger as they searched for them on the dance floor. Their jaws dropped in unison.
“Shit! They’re practically making out!” Mary squealed in delight. “I can’t fucking believe it. Where’s Cynthia? She’s got to see this for herself.”
“She’s playing pool,” said Jessica.
“Maybe we were wrong about her. Go find Cynthia. She’s got to see this,” Mary said to Jessica excitedly.
Mary was still gawking at them when she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned to face Sgt. Carol Hathaway, Ashley's barracks sergeant, who was frowning at her.
“Hey, Carol. What’s up?”
“Please tell me that’s not Ashley Marks she's dancing with.”
“Yeah, so? You know her?” Mary asked.
“Unfortunately she’s staying in my barracks. Word is she’s here on special assignment, if you get my drift. It might be our own paranoia, but I don’t think so. ”
Mary finally looked at Hathaway. “She's a clerk typist in an aviation unit.”
“Yeah, right,” Hathaway said sarcastically. “How many clerk typists do you know who makes private phone calls from the commander's office?”
Cynthia interrupted them when she approached. “Holy shit! I can't believe it! Maybe I was wrong about her.”
Rose smiled, clearly ignoring Hathaway. “Personally, I’m tickled pink for them. It’s like watching a love story unfold right in front of your eyes.”
“Not according to Carol. Now what were you saying?” Mary asked Hathaway.
Hathaway suspiciously looked around them. She beckoned them to come closer. “Like I said, she's living in my barracks. No one knows what she does for a job. She showed up last week. Says she's a transit, but she doesn't go to formations or do PT, and she actually defied me when I told her about our GI party this week. Went straight to the commander and got out of it. Can you believe that shit?”
Hathaway relished the moment as she watched their expressions turn from happy to worried. "From what I hear, she's on special assignment. I think she’s CID. Think about it. Isn't she on your team? Don't you find that just a little coincidental?”
“How did you know she was on the team?” Cynthia asked.
“A guy in the company was bragging that he taught her how to throw the damn ball because she was going out for the division softball team. Give me a fucking break! I don't trust her skinny ass."
“But how do you explain that! They're all over each other,” Rose pointed out. “That’s not allowed, is it? If she’s CID, I mean?”
Hathaway scowled and gestured toward the couple. “Are you kidding me? They'll do anything to close a case. This is CID we're talking about, remember? They're sneaky bastards. But I have to admit, she would have me fooled if I didn't know better. Maybe she's a damn good actress. I hope I'm wrong. I really do. But if I'm not, we're all in deep shit.”
All five women were watching them now.
“Well, what do you know? Maybe Ashley’s straight up,” Mary blurted out.
“Maybe. I’m still anxious for that woman to see me,” Hathaway sneered. “If she is CID, she’ll probably be very, very nervous around me because she already knows I suspect something. We kind of got into it last week.”
“I don't like her either,” Cynthia said. “Unfortunately, Mindy likes her too much.”
A fast techno tune suddenly replaced the slow ballad, sending several people into instant body spasms. Mindy grabbed Ashley’s hand and quickly guided her off the dance floor.
They were smiling when they approached the table, but Ashley’s smile quickly faded when she spotted Hathaway.
“Fancy meeting you here,” Hathaway scoffed.
All eyes were on Ashley, curious about her reaction to seeing Hathaway. They didn’t know quite what to expect.
Ashley kept her composure, though, despite incredibly bad timing in running into Hathaway. Even if Hathaway did suspect her, she was still safe behind her secret identity. Ashley was well aware of who had the upper hand here.
Ashley figured they were all staring at her because Hathaway had told them something about her, so she simply smiled and kept her cool. She didn't want to blow her cover over a rumor, which is all Hathaway had as evidence.
“Fancy seeing you here, too,” Ashley calmly responded.
"I see you're making friends," Hathaway sneered.
"That was my intent."
Mindy's friends then looked at Hathaway, waiting for a response.
“Excuse me. I have to go to the restroom. I’ll be right back, Mindy,” Ashley said, then leaned over and kissed her on the cheek for good measure.
“What the hell was that all about?” Mindy demanded to know. “Will you guys ever let up? You're going to scare her off, you bunch of assholes!”
“Mindy, listen to me. She’s living in my barracks,” Hathaway explained. “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there’s talk she’s here on special assignment. Things don't add up with her. I've been asking around and nobody knows anything about her.”
“She thinks Ashley’s CID,” Cynthia added. “Isn’t that funny? I’m telling you, I can smell a rat a mile away, and this proves it.” Cynthia reached for Mindy’s arm, but she angrily yanked it away.
“You’re full of shit,” Mindy snapped. “I’m in love with her.”
Cynthia stood motionless, not knowing how to respond to that. She glanced over at Mary, Tina, Rose and Jessica, hoping for support, but they shrugged their shoulders, choosing to stay out of it.
“Min, you don’t even know her. You just met her last week. You’re not thinking straight. So you’re hot after her. That's not love! That fucking agent doesn't give a shit about you! She's using you!”
When it was apparent she wasn’t getting through to her, Cynthia took a big breath and said: "You should have found out more about her before getting us all involved in this shit."
“Read my lips – she’s not CID. How many times do I have to tell you? I would know it.”
“You’re blinded by your own damn lust!” Cynthia angrily told her.
Hathaway and the others watched them go back and forth like a tennis match. “I hope I don’t have to break up a fight,” Mary whispered to no one in particular.
“I want to believe you, I really do,” Cynthia continued, “but you forget that if she is CID, it’s not just you going down. It’s all of us. Mary and Jessica. Tina. Carol. Rose. Bryan and Chuck. All of us. I’m telling you right now, I love you dearly, you’re my best friend, but if I lose my career over this, I will never, and I mean NEVER, forgive you. None of us will, because we warned you.”
Both women glared at each other, not knowing what to do next. Cynthia wanted to smack some sense into her friend. She couldn’t believe Mindy was being so damn blind and selfish. She truly hoped in her heart that she was wrong, but she knew in her gut she wasn’t.
Ashley sensed the tension when she returned to the table. No one looked her directly in the eye. Hathaway excused herself and walked away. Mary and Tina pretended nothing was wrong, though they hadn’t said a word the entire match. Rose silently played with the umbrella in her drink. Cynthia slumped in her chair, refusing to acknowledge Ashley’s presence.
“Let’s get out of here,” Mindy sneered, grabbing Ashley’s arm and pulling her away from the table.
As they wove their way through the room toward the exit, Ashley spied Hathaway waiting in line at the bar for a drink. She just couldn't keep her damn mouth shut, she angrily thought. Ashley didn't want to leave without injecting a little fear into her veins.
"Can you wait here a second? I want to settle something real quick."
She left Mindy's side and quickly stalked over to where Hathaway stood.
"You still here?" Hathaway sneered.
"I have one message for you that you'd better keep to yourself for once in your God-damned life. If you ever mention my name again, to anyone, I will make sure you never forget who I am for the rest of your short-lived military career."
"Are you threatening me?" Hathaway hissed.
"I'm in no mood to threaten” Ashley warned. “You have no clue who you're messing with. I promise you that if you don't keep your mouth shut about me, I will haul your ass in so fast your head will spin. Trust me when I say I have my sights on your fat ass, Sergeant. Consider yourself warned."
Then Ashley walked away, with every intention of turning her in. She wanted to get in the last word. She was confident she did.
"What was that about?" Mindy asked, looking concerned.
"We had some unfinished company-related business I needed to settle. She's my barracks sergeant, as you probably know now."
"Oh. Well, I hope you solved your problem."
"I believe I did," Ashley smiled.
Ashley, relieved that she finally got some control back, drove to Mindy's apartment in silence.
Now and then Mindy stole a peak at her, wanting to say something comforting, or to make her laugh, but she had a feeling that remaining silent was the appropriate thing to do. She didn't know how to solve this major rift between Ashley and her friends, who had all turned against her. They would never trust their relationship now. Never. There was just no fixing it.
Ashley parked in front of the apartment and turned off the headlights. She leaned back and let out a loud sigh. She could imagine what was said back there at the bar while she was in the restroom. Fucking Hathaway.
“Would you like to come in?” Mindy’s voice was hopeful but tentative.
Ashley met her gaze. Her head was still leaning back on the head rest in the driver's seat. The radio was playing German music on low volume. She actually wanted to go inside the house with Mindy, but decided it was too risky. Anything could happen tonight, she thought. She wasn't mentally stable enough to handle one more thing.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I think I’ve caused enough damage for one night,” she said.
“Why do you think you’re the cause of anything?” Mindy asked her.
“I’m not stupid. I know exactly what’s going on. They don't trust me. I know who they think I am.”
Mindy didn’t know what to say. She was afraid to talk about it, didn’t want to talk about it.
“We need to talk about this, Ashley,” Mindy told her. "Just talk."
“Tomorrow.” Of course, there would be no tomorrow. Ashley just wanted to pacify her, knowing full well that once she pulled away from this house, she would never see her again.
"I'll call you, okay? Mindy, I had a wonderful evening with you. Thank you for everything,” she sadly said.
"If you have to go, you have to go, I guess." Mindy stared at her for a few seconds, hoping with all of her being that Ashley would change her mind. Then she leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips. She slowly got out and never looked back.
As Ashley watched Mindy close her front door, she was engulfed by an overwhelming sense of despair. She watched the kitchen light go on, and smiled when Dooley peaked at her through the kitchen curtains.
But her smile soon faded, and she stifled the urge to cry. She threw her car into first gear and squealed up the street, leaving behind rubber tracks as temporary proof that she had once been here.
1:35 a.m. Sunday morning, 25 March
A deer stood motionless in the middle of the dark country road, right in the path of Ashley’s car. It refused to move, forcing her to swerve to the right, then left of center, then to the right again, until her BMW skidded off the road.
She never saw it dart off into the blackness. Now she was stranded in a farmer’s field in the middle of the night.
"Fuck!" she screamed as she pounded on the steering wheel with her fists.
Ashley had desperately wanted to leave Nuremberg far behind tonight. After dropping Mindy off at her apartment, she had briefly returned to the barracks, threw her belongings into the car, and ended the witch hunt. She was only 10 minutes from post when she almost struck the deer.
She sat in her car, enveloped in absolute darkness and silence, her hands aching from punching the steering wheel in a hysterical fit.
Ashley desperately wanted to try and push her car out of the mud, but was fearful of getting wet and colder. She was smart enough to accept that she was spending the night in the small confines of an automobile.
Hungry and upset in the middle of nowhere, Ashley nearly had the urge to laugh because of the ridiculous situation she put herself in. Instead, her emotional release came in lots of tears that dampened her cheek and dripped off of her face. It was the first time she had sobbed since Jill died.
What was she to do now? She knew turning Mindy in was going to be one of the hardest things she would ever do, because she cared for her. She at least admitted that to herself. But regardless of her feelings, she had to turn her in.
Her instincts were clearly at war with her sense of duty.
Ashley shivered as the cold air seeped into the car. It was near freezing outside. She wrapped her arms around herself and began to rub her arms and shoulders vigorously to keep her blood flowing.
After about five minutes she shut her eyes and prayed outloud.
“Dear God: I know I haven’t been the most faithful and committed Christian in your flock. And I am sorry for that. I’ve put myself in an awful spot and I have nowhere else to turn. I need your guidance more than ever, God. Please show me the way, for I have sinned. In your name, I pray, Amen.”
After a few seconds of more silence, she turned the key in the ignition and hoped the engine wasn't flooded. It started right up, and she breathed a sigh of relief when the heater brought life back into her fingers and toes. But fearful she would run out of gas before daybreak, she turned off the engine again. She decided to turn on the engine every half-hour for five minutes.
The still of the night was unsettling. There was nothing else to do but sit uncomfortably in the dark of night and listen for sounds of life or predators.
She tried to focus her energy on how to draft her final report, but all she could think about was Mindy, and how she actually let another woman kiss her. Ashley wanted to tell Mindy the truth - to protect her from the harm that she was about to inflict - but she just sat there and let her walk away.
I’m in love.
It was crystal clear. Ashley finally realized that for the past 20 years she had been in an emotional coma, not able to love anyone with that all-compassing, sacrificial, capable-of-ripping-your-insides-out kind of love.
Poor Jason, she thought. He was simply a victim of her incapacity to love a man.
But now she was wide awake, and despite how irrational or wrong her feelings might be, at least they were feelings.
A smile magically appeared as she marveled over these new-found feelings of being in love. With nobody to prevent her from doing so, Ashley DeMarco finally allowed herself to conjure up every intimate detail she could remember from the limited time she had spent with Mindy: lingering looks, gentle touches, light kisses. Those wonderful fleeting moments between them were more powerful than anything she had ever felt during an entire year with Jason.
At that thought, a sliver of sadness conflicted with her euphoria.
The onslaught of pure emotion that now invaded her mind and body began to take its toll. Ashley closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep, where her subconscious mind took her to erotic, forbidden places that her conscious mind didn't know existed.
Then the intrusive, petrifying sound of a metal object striking against her car window several times startled her out of her dream world. Ashley screamed and instinctively reached for her gun where it would have been had she worn her holster. But her weapon was securely locked in the glove compartment. She frantically pull her keys out of the ignition and reached over to retrieve her weapon but was blinded by a bright light shining in her face. Expecting the window to shatter at any second, she closed her eyes and waited for a hand to reach through and ruthlessly grab her neck to squeeze the life out of her. But she would give him the fight of his life. Rape was not an option.
Instead, she heard a man’s deep, rich German accent. “It's okay, miss. I help you. It's okay. I am der Polizei.”
The voice was kind, and not that of a killer's. Then she noticed blue lights that illuminated the cornfield. She hadn’t heard the idling engine of a car that had pulled up on the side of the road, or the soggy steps of a pair of boots that had tromped through the mud to approach her BMW.
The officer had pulled off the county road when he had seen a car in the field. Leaving his engine idling, he cautiously approached the American’s car, hoping he didn’t have to wrestle a drunken soldier in the mud, or call an ambulance to the scene. When he lit up the insides of the vehicle with his flashlight, he saw a woman sleeping behind the wheel, and knocked on the window with his flashlight to wake her up.
“You okay? You hurt?” the police officer repeated. His gun was drawn, as a cautionary measure, but it wasn't pointed directly at her.
Ashley held up her hands to show she did not have a weapon. When he lowered his gun in response, she motioned for approval to put her keys back into the ignition and roll down her window.
“I’m fine, sir.,” she told him. “A deer ran right in front of me and I lost control. Alles gut.”
“Gut. Gut. Deer big problem here,” he commented as he pointed his flashlight at the front of the car to inspect it for damage.
“I help you, miss. Kein problem. Start auto engine and I push, okay?”
He turned to go behind her car, propped his back against the BMW’s back bumper and rocked it, trying to move it on his own but the spinning tires wouldn’t budge out of the deep ruts. Ashley cursed to herself, knowing the only alternative was to get out and help. It was either that or waiting until morning for a tow truck.
She got out and angrily slammed the door behind her. Then she went to the other side of the bumper and helped him push. Within five minutes her car was set free. They both glanced down at themselves and shared a laugh; they looked like they had been dipped up to their waist in chocolate.
“Danke, officer. I really appreciate it. Um, I’m really sorry about this,” she said as she shook his muddy hand.
He shyly smiled, rubbed his hands on his dirty uniform, waved goodbye and retreated back to his police car.
Ashley let her car idle on the side of the road as she gathered her thoughts.
Which way should I go?
If she went forward, she’d be heading home to Jason. If she did a u-turn, she could be with Mindy in just 10 minutes.
Maybe that deer stood in that exact location at that precise time to prevent me from leaving Nuremberg, she thought. Perhaps it was fate. She believed in fate. It explained why good things happened to sinners and bad things happened to good people. Fate is God's way of controlling humans.
Logically and more probable, the lucky deer was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. But if it was fate, well, the incident was certainly enough to justify going back to Mindy’s apartment to say goodbye.
Which way should I go?
Ashley suddenly threw her car into gear, stomped on the gas pedal and burned rubber as she turned the car around.
The kitchen light was still on in the apartment, and Cynthia’s car was still gone. It’s now or never, she thought. She came this far. It was time to figure this shit out.
She took a deep breath and readied herself to make the biggest mistake of her life. She knocked timidly on the door, almost half wanting her knocks to remain unheard. The decision would be made for her if Mindy did not answered her calling. But seconds later the porch light flickered on and the door cracked open.
Neither woman said anything as they stood in the doorway facing one another. They just stood there. Then Mindy reached for Ashley’s hand and pulled her into a warm embrace. They held onto each other tightly, rocking back and forth, afraid to let go.
“You came back,” Mindy whispered. “I was hoping you would come back.”
“I wasn’t going to. A deer showed me the way.”
Mindy looked puzzled. “What?”
“I'll tell you later. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Are you kidding? You should’ve never left.” Mindy gave her another hug, then took her hand and guided her into the foyer. “Jesus! You’re covered in mud! What happened?”
“I’m fine. My car got stuck in the mud. Do you have something I could change into?”
“I have a better idea, ” Mindy said as she led her into the bathroom and turned on the shower. “Wait here. A t-shirt and sweat pants, or a nightgown?”
“T-shirt and sweat pants, please.”
Mindy smiled and gently shut the door behind her. After she gathered up the clothing, she lit a candle in the bedroom and turned off the light. Then she carried another burning candle into the bathroom. She turned off that light, as well, and faced Ashley, searching her expression by candlelight to see if she was ready for such an intimate act.
Mindy, still in her nightgown, approached Ashley and slowly and seductively unbuttoned her pants. She then reached for Ashley’s shirt, wanting to rip the shirt apart, let the buttons fly, but instead lifted it over Ashley’s head and tossed it aside, exposing Ashley's black lace bra. She reached behind her and unhooked it with two fingers.
Mindy pulled back the shower curtain and guided Ashley into the steamy shower. She then searched Ashley’s eyes for permission to join her. When Ashley didn’t say anything, Mindy untied her own robe, let it drop to the floor, then climbed in and stood in front of her. Ashley took the opportunity to appreciate another woman’s body for the first time, thinking it was one of the most beautiful visions she had ever seen, and wanting that body more than she had ever wanted anything.
She boldly reached out and pulled Mindy toward her, so their breasts were pressed against each other. Ashley was tired of pandering to everyone else’s concerns and rules and feelings. She was an adult, who could make her own decisions, and it was time for her to admit that she had found something special, and she wasn’t going to let this moment go.
“You are so beautiful,” Mindy whispered.
“So are you.”
Mindy leaned forward and found willing lips. A moan escaped from Ashley’s throat as they began to passionately kiss. Ashley instinctively ran her fingers up and down Mindy’s back as they kissed, and marveled at how soft her body felt without all the hair and sculptured muscles. It was so different from Jason’s.
"May I wash your back?" Mindy whispered seductively.
"Whatever you want."
Mindy picked up a bar of soap and began to rub it up and down Ashley's back, and roaming to her butt and thighs now and then, just enough to tease her. Then she turned Ashley around and began to rub the soap all over her stomach and breasts, until she worked up a thick lather. She then handed the soap to Ashley.
Ashley duplicated Mindy's every move. She had taken dozens of baths with Jason, but this was different. When the water started to turn cold, they stepped out of the tub and dried off. Ashley then let Mindy guide her to her bed, and accepted her naked body on top of her own. Like a feather, compared to Jason’s, she thought.
“This feels so good,” Ashley murmured in her ear. “I can't believe I'm doing this.”
Mindy enveloped her whole body now, her hands wrapped around the top of Ashley’s head, their legs intertwined, as they continued to kiss passionately. She gently placed her hip in between Ashley’s thighs and began to rub against her.
“Am I going too fast? I don’t want to go too fast,” Mindy whispered.
Ashley answered her with another lingering kiss, hardly letting herself catch her breath as desire overwhelmed all of her senses. She bucked up against Mindy’s hip, creating a wetness that was beginning to soak the sheets. She was surprised that it didn’t feel like it was her first time with a woman, instinctively knowing what she wanted, and what she wanted to do. It came naturally.
Mindy was straddling her now, looking down at her. She was finally allowed to touch her after several days of daydreaming about it. She reached down to Ashley’s face and traced a finger along full lips, a small nose, sharp cheek bones.
"I've never noticed this before," Mindy said as she felt the scar on Ashley's right cheek.
Ashley quickly took Mindy's hand and kissed it. "Childhood accident."
Satisfied with the explanation, Mindy bent down and gently kissed the scar.
Jason had ever kissed her scar before. It was a simple gesture, but it caused a tear to run down Ashley’s cheek as she reached up and cupped Mindy’s breasts, fondling them, gently rubbing her nipples with her thumb, like Jason had done to her. She pulled Mindy down and took a breast into her mouth. Mindy moaned, pressing harder against her, wanting more of her tongue, and her fingers, and her whole body.
They took turns making love all night long. Ashley knew she was discovering love for the first time, with her suspect, and, at the moment, she didn’t give a damn what the army did to her.
They were still holding each other, groggy from many hours of love making, when they heard the front door open and shut. Ashley wondered what Cynthia thought when she saw her car parked outside.
"Think she'll mind I'm here?" Ashley whispered.
"I could care less,” Mindy said.
Ashley said nothing in return. But at that moment she wanted to tell Mindy everything. That her real name was Ashley DeMarco. That she wasn’t an E-4, but a special agent with a bachelor’s degree in criminal science. That she was leaving the country for Ft. Polk in just three weeks. That she had a boyfriend waiting for her at home, but she was going to leave him. That Mindy was her first lesbian experience. That she was here to destroy her career. And that she didn't want to hurt her.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” was all she managed to say. There were just too many lies.
Mindy, too tired to question or comprehend the meaning of her new lover's words, sighed and fell into a deep sleep in the comfort of Ashley’s loving embrace, unaware that by morning their relationship would already be over.
